Why we're so afraid of vulnerability, and how to move through it.

We all know what it's like to want something - a friendship, a relationship, to say how we really feel, to apply for that job we really want. We also know what it's like to stop ourselves before we get there. This isn't because we don't want it, but because somewhere along the way, we learnt that reaching for it can result in experiences or feelings such as embarrassment, rejection, awkwardness, discomfort, or shame. This can lead to a fear of vulnerability, or in what being vulnerable might mean for us.

What is vulnerability?

Vulnerability means something different to each of us, especially once we start to unpack what's actually on the other side of practicing it.

At its core, vulnerability is making ourselves feel exposed - stepping out of our comfort zone, going against our usual ways of coping to stay safe, and opening ourselves up to outcomes that feel risky. What that risk looks like is different for everyone.

I created the following analogy to help clients make sense of vulnerability, and why avoidance can feel like the better option. It's one I keep returning to in sessions because clients tend to connect with it.

The House: An analogy for vulnerability

Vulnerability is a house. A part of that house is a pathway leading to the front door. You're standing at the beginning of that pathway.

Inside that house are two housemates. Let's call them Pleasant and Unpleasant.

Here, Unpleasant represents pain, rejection, hurt, not getting the job, people not meeting your needs, and whatever else you are scared that entering the house (vulnerability) will bring.

Pleasant represents lovely experiences, new relationships, new friendships, confidence, self-assurance, asking for your needs and having them met, and evidence that you might actually be able to do the scary things and end up feeling good.

When you walk up that pathway and enter that house, you might be greeted by either one of them. This is an inevitable part of life - at some point, everyone ends up face to face with both Pleasant and Unpleasant.

Why we stay on the path (but never knock on the door)

The risk of being greeted by Unpleasant can feel scary, unbearable, even anxiety inducing. So it makes sense that you don't enter the house in the first place - you stay outside, and you avoid the chance of being hurt. This keeps you safe from that pain, at least for now.

This isn't a flaw or a failure of willpower - it's an adaptive response. Somewhere along the way, your brain learnt to stay away from whatever vulnerability means to you, because you've been greeted by Unpleasant before. And when something hurts, it makes sense that you wouldn't want to keep doing it over and over - your brain is simply trying to protect you from harm.

But this protection comes at a cost. Staying outside of the house keeps you in a perpetual loop of avoidance, which more often than not, also keeps you away from…

…what's also waiting on the other side:

This is the possibility of being greeted by Pleasant - what you value, what you're longing for, what you actually want to move towards. Repeated greetings from Pleasant are only possible if you keep entering the house, over and over again, giving them more of a chance to greet you.

That's how you access what you want to move towards - by giving yourself the chance to try, and giving Pleasant more opportunities to answer the door too. It’s evidence to suggest that vulnerability isn’t always the doorway to Unpleasant, but rather the doorway to both with the possibility of it being Pleasant.

And if you are greeted by Unpleasant, it can genuinely hurt. That's not something to brush past or reframe - some experiences are just hard, and it's okay for them to be hard. But being greeted by Unpleasant doesn't mean you're back to square one. There are ways to move through it - building confidence, learning to listen to what your body needs, finding what actually helps you cope. And each time you do, you give yourself a little more proof that you can survive Unpleasant - not because it hurts any less, but because you're building the evidence that you can handle it when it does.

All of this is only possible if you knock on the door, and enter the house.

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If you've been standing at the start of that path and you’re unsure how to take the next step, that's the kind of thing I help people work through. We can do this through understanding avoidance self-compassionately as an adaptive response, why it’s there, and by finding ways to build confidence and move toward what you want and value safely. If this is something you would like support with, please reach out via my Bookings page.